Therefore, in this article we deal with the most important questions that you have if your partner has cheated or you have a corresponding suspicion.
- How can you tell if your partner is unfaithful?
- How can you address a suspicion without your partner feeling cheated?
- What can you do if your partner was actually unfaithful? Through the crisis in 10 phases.
Is he cheating on me? Is it strange to me?
You have a strange feeling and you are not sure whether you see ghosts or whether your partner really has a love affair. How can you tell that he / she is cheating? What are the signs of being cheated?
Pay attention to a changed behavior:
- Is he on the cell phone more often than normal?
- Has she recently taken her phone to the toilet?
- Is there a lock that didn't exist before?
- Is he / she often absent and somewhere else in his thoughts?
- Has anything changed in your love life? More often Less often
- A guilty conscience leads to your partner becoming unfair or reacting quickly to irritation.
- Does he / she meet up with friends more often? Or is there a new friendship that is becoming more intense?
- Is there a name somewhere you don't know?
- Does he / she often come home from work later? Do more sports? Does more time squeeze off somewhere?
Even if you are concerned that your partner feels treated unfairly or thinks that you would not trust him / her - address your suspicions. The gnawing uncertainty will do more harm in the long run than an honest and clarifying conversation. I know it's not easy, but you have to go through it.
Avoid allegations and accusations. Tell about your observations and your feelings:
- You seem so absent lately, is there something at work? Do you have stress?
- I feel like you've changed somehow lately. Do you have anything on your mind that you would like to discuss with me?
- How is it that your cell phone has become so important? Do you have new friends with whom you have a lot of contact? Do you want to invite them?
- We haven't had sex for a long time, I miss that. Are there reasons why we no longer sleep together?
- Is our relationship fulfilling and beautiful for you? Or is there something we should change?
Depending on how honestly you otherwise communicate, you can of course also address him / her directly: "I have a very strange feeling and fear of losing you. Is there someone you love? "
The 10 phases after infidelity
If your suspicion is actually confirmed, it first pulls the floor from under your feet. The first shock is deep and it hurts endlessly. Don't worry, it won't stay that way forever! Time heals some wounds.
However, you also have a lot of options to do something yourself and not just wait until it becomes easier to process an affair.
I could write an entire blog article for each phase, I summarize it as compactly as possible:
Phase 1 - shock & disbelief
As soon as an affair is discovered, the betrayed person is in shock. It is like a prehistoric man looking directly into the eyes of the saber-toothed tiger. Our emotional brain (limbic system) sounds the alarm.
Hormones shoot through the body, the blood is drawn from the cerebrum, which makes logical thinking difficult at this stage. Fight, flight or rigid is offered by the brain as a possible alternative.
This is NOT a good time to make decisions. The shock subsides. Breathe deeply is a good idea because it signals the brain that there is not really a life-threatening situation to deal with. If at all possible, sleeping on it helps. More often.
Some can hardly believe that the partner is capable of something like this and at first doubt their ability to be accountable. Why didn't you notice anything? Or you noticed it, but suppressed it and deliberately didn't want to see it?
Many people no longer trust their intuition and intuition. You are connected to somebody and miss any early warning signs.
Phase 2 - anger and thoughts of revenge
As soon as the first shock is over, the anger mingles with sadness and bewilderment. Why did he do this to me? If he loved me, he wouldn't! Thoughts of revenge rage through the brain and the deceiver is showered with accusations and blame. Friends and acquaintances advise the immediate break up from "the pig". (Incidentally, this is worse if a woman cheats.)
Bullshit Victim Offender
I like to call it the victim-perpetrator bullshit. The poor cheated victim feels right and the cheater (and / or the evil third person) is the perpetrator. Even if this is the socially recognized attitude, it never serves to overcome the mess. If I am a victim of the circumstances, I can do nothing about the situation, but nothing at all. This is not funny!
I often hear: "The fact that the betrayed person should also be to blame is the very last thing!" Yes, that's right. That's why I never speak of guilt.
"Nobody is to blame. Everyone has his or her own responsibility to take.
And only when the “victim” is ready to take on his own part of the responsibility is there a sensible way out of the drama.
According to the law of attraction, everything I encounter in life has to do with me. I draw experiences, people and experiences into my life that want to tell me something, that have a meaning for me and a meaning. No situation happens to me from the hedge. I also mean taking my own share of responsibility.
Phase 3 - disappointment
If we love, we firmly believe that we can always and forever be the only one for our partner, that we can fulfill all wishes and needs and that we have to (and want to) satisfy our partner.
Of course, he can go for a beer with colleagues, for sports or whatever, but with a romantic dinner, a flirt or even sex, the fun stops.
To make matters worse, the unfaithful partner usually lies. In any case, I have never heard of the person who cheats immediately coming home and saying: "Honey, by the way, I have an affair!" This truth is not intended at all. Anyone who cheats is afraid of the consequences and hopes that it won't come out.
"He's not lying out of malice, but out of love."
The relationship is important to him. Otherwise he wouldn't be lying.
Ultimately, one or more deceptions were discovered. The illusion of being the “ONE AND EVERYTHING” for the partner forever and the illusion of absolute honesty that I have never experienced with any single loyal couple. In my view, being disappointed is valuable and positive!
Phase 4 after the infidelity decision
After these three phases (and ideally only then!) You can make a decision (phase 4). For or against your partner.
Break up! This is obvious!
About 50% of those who have been cheated on break up immediately without stopping and reflecting on their own responsibility and admitting to themselves. The unfaithful partner is a pig who keeps doing it.
Wouldn't it be much nicer if there were more options and if couples were about to find a solution?
What does it take to gain new hope? It takes courage, determination, openness and a light at the end of the tunnel. If someone believes a little bit that they can master this crisis and that it makes sense, it is possible to be happier with their partner than ever before.
Phase 5 - create new hope
The first 4 phases are about getting on with the roller coaster of emotions. Jealousy is overpowering and the cheated person seems furious with rage and revenge. Hope requires the ability to calm yourself and to look at what has happened from a certain distance.
Blaming the partner for all feelings is human, but not helpful. The unfaithful partner naturally has his part in it and he has to take his part of the responsibility and to live with the consequences.
Infidelity: Shit happens
Shit happens. Again and again. Of course, we can work on living as positively as possible and attracting and creating more and more good things, but something stupid will always come to our feet.
Such as an affair of your partner or the strange situation of falling in love with someone else. If I fall into a drama, a victim attitude and a constant wailing, I can see nothing good in the situation. On the other hand, if I take responsibility for my life, I have a choice of how I react to it, how I assess the situation and how I use it for myself.
Change your behavior
The stupid thing is, if you want to change something in your life, you can change you and not hope that your partner will fix everything again. No matter how much you scold your unfaithful partner and hope so much that he / she / it may change and be faithful, it will not take you forward. Only you can change yourself and nobody else.